So as I have said before I have a horrible temper, and at times it costs me a lot. I have lost jobs, and friends, and to some extent it has helped in the estrangement from my family. But I can honestly say with the family thing, we're all screwed up, its not just me.
Well, anyways. Part of the reason for my temperment problem is my borderline personality disorder. I tend to think irrationally and act out based upon that. Its not all the time though, just when I'm under a lot of stress. There is also a theory that my inoperable brain tumor may be part of the problem too. But I'm not one to use it as a cop out, the things that I do are still my own fault and I'm working on it. I've done therapy, and whatnot, but mostly I've been trying to de-stress myself as much as possible. Part of the problem with that is, I am a very high strung person. I am easily stressed by little things. Thus I have to take it one step at a time.
A bit over a year ago, I had become really close to some people I met in a chatroom. But of course my temper got the best of me, and two of them stopped talking to me altogether. I stopped going to that chat room because I didn't want to intrude on their room since we weren't friends anymore, and they were there first. Well, the day before yesterday one of them re added me to facebook. I spent almost a whole day trying to decide if I should accept the request. I was so upset when she and I stopped talking. Back in the day we were so close. It broke my heart when even months later she told me that she didn't want to have anything to do with me.
So I finally decided to add her and see what happened. Yesterday we talked on IM for a while, she said she forgave me, and just needed time. I told her about what I had been doing to work on my temper, and I told her I might never be able to fix it, so if she couldn't handle it then we might not want to try being friends again. She said she didn't care. I felt tense the whole conversation. I was waiting for her to suddenly realize "Oh wait I hate this girl why the fuck did I forgive her?" or to say the wrong thing and re-initiate prior hatred. The back of my head keeps reeling around about why on earth out of the blue she wants us to be friends again.
Jean is dating my friend Jeff. He was one of the people from the chat room. He was also part of the whole giant fight thing from over a year ago, but was definitely quicker to forgive, he and I would occasionally talk from time to time, though we aren't nearly as close as we once were. While talking Jean admitted that Drex, the third person involved in that whole upheaval, disapproved of her missing and forgiving me, but that she doesn't care.
Apparently the chat room that we all regged in is dead now, but she and Jeff want to start it up on its own website or something. I don't know why she mentioned it to me, I don't know if its a hint that I would be welcome. As much as I miss chatting with her and Jeff, I don't know if I could do it. Drex was always a big part of our group, and actually in charge of the chatroom along with Jean and Jeff and a few others. Basically the chatroom was run by several people and then they had temporary mods. I was a temp mod for when the leaders weren't around or were busy.
I just don't know what is going to happen, or why any of this is being brought back to me now. I had been trying for a long time to put that all behind me. I had finally started to accept that they wouldn't be my friends anymore, and that I would not be welcome in their chatroom. Now i've got all these questions that I can't even bring myself to ask, out of fear.
Just needed to write it all out.
~peace love and pixie giggles~
Shuvanni
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